Fic: In Which Sam Winchester Enters An Arranged Marriage With Lucifer And Totally Pwns Everyone Ever
Title: In Which Sam Winchester Enters An Arranged Marriage With Lucifer And Totally Pwns Everyone Ever (Or: Why Dean Winchester Will Be Sleeping On The Couch During His Honeymoon.)
Author: Lady Yueh
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Lucifer, Dean/Castiel (sort of on both counts)
Rating: PG-13 (For language)
Disclaimer: Not my property and no infringement is intended.
Author’s Notes: For![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
entropy_maximum. Blame her for the crack. Also, not betaed.
----
Sam wanted to scream. He was sure he did.
It was either scream or go insane. But what if his sanity had already snapped? Considering the way the past couple of years—no, their entire lives—he wasn’t so sure he’d ever been sane.
“Okay. Look, I know he’s kind of a nag, but he is a tall piece of Winchester meat. Goats are not gonna cut it.”
Sam felt a wave of irritation and injured pride at that before he beat it back. But seriously? Goats?!
“You know, it used to be that the bride’s family provided the dowry,” Lucifer drawled.
Dean sat back, completely unconcerned. “Hey, you’re the one that started the negotiations and put the ball in our court.”
That was a diplomatic way to put it, Sam thought. (And who’d have ever thought that word could ever be applied to his brother?) It was a nice way of putting something that had been disturbing and soul-crushingly traumatizing.
“Yes, but I’m the one who would be providing for Sam in perpetuity.”
Sam whimpered. Cas squeezed his shoulder a bit too tightly. He was supposed to help Sam, be the voice of reason, but he’d stayed quiet for most of the proceedings (the bastard) and simply watched Lucifer with intensity.
“Hey, I’m not saying the steaks weren’t good, but a dinner is not enough to buy Sam’s ass. That Winchester isn’t a cheap date.” Dean made a face as if he’d just realized what that implied about him.
“What about the various parts for your car? The classic rock memorabilia? The special editions of your porn magazines? The expensive alcohol? That was not cheap.” Lucifer argued.
Sam glared at his brother.
“Dean?! You said that was from Cas!” Sam couldn’t believe his brother. Dean had seriously hinted that Cas was behind all the expensive stuff that kept appearing at their hotels, which had led Sam to think that Cas was courting Dean and he’d held off on teasing the shit out of his asshole of a brother because he’d thought it was sweet and sort of epic. Oh, Dean was so fucking dead. At least Cas was glaring at Dean, too thank fuck.
Sam then turned his ire on Lucifer. “You were trying to buy my brother off?!”
Lucifer shrugged. “It’s working so far.”
Sam made a dangerous noise, low and thrumming.
“Dean?” Dean looked kind of apprehensive—finally. “We’ll talk about you pimping me out to Satan later. Get the fuck out of the negotiating chair. Now.”
At the tone Dean scrambled and Castiel visibly withdrew.
Sam sat down and smiled at the Devil. It was a sharky smile. The kind of smile that lawyers got when they had a big settlement in their sights coupled with the sheer joy at the opportunity to decimate their rivals.
“Goats?” Sam chuckled. “I think we can do better. Have you got anyone slated to rule the Americas?”
For the first time since he’d appeared, Lucifer began to look worried.
----
“Make sure to use your angelic grace to make the document binding,” Sam reminded Lucifer. “And don’t forget to add in all of your aliases.”
Lucifer look at the foot tall stack of papers in front of him, picked up the top page and tried to read the jargon. “What language is this?”
Dean moved closer and looked impressed when he saw the words that were written. “Legalese. Or is it Lawyerese?”
Sam was sitting with an aura of smug superiority. If Lucifer hadn’t been standing in the room Dean might’ve assumed he was wearing Sam.
----
Sam signed on the dotted line. “See you next month.”
----
“Did you just marry Lucifer?” Dean asked stupidly.
Sam shrugged. “You just married Cas.”
Dean spluttered. Cas stumbled. They both looked at him with wide eyes.
Sam smirked. “It was a condition of the agreement. Also: I got Earth as an engagement gift, I own Lucifer, and we’re invading Heaven next month after the wedding ceremony.”
“Dude…” Dean breathed with disbelief.
Cas was simply blinking rapidly and staring at them as if he wasn’t sure where he was.
“It’s a double wedding. You’ll be wearing robes, Dean.” Sam started humming as he practically skipped in the direction of their motel.
It was a mark of how very stupefied Dean was that the comment did not get a rise out of him.
Dean and Castiel exchanged long stares.
“I wasn’t expecting that,” Dean admitted.
“You did tell your brother that we were simply bluffing for time?” Castiel said, though his tone clearly conveyed that he thought the answer was to be a negative.
“Err…HOLY SHIT! MY BROTHER IN LAW IS GOING TO BE THE DEVIL!”
Castiel glared meaningfully.
Dean got louder. “HOLY SHIT! WE’RE MARRIED!”
Author: Lady Yueh
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Lucifer, Dean/Castiel (sort of on both counts)
Rating: PG-13 (For language)
Disclaimer: Not my property and no infringement is intended.
Author’s Notes: For
entropy_maximum. Blame her for the crack. Also, not betaed.----
Sam wanted to scream. He was sure he did.
It was either scream or go insane. But what if his sanity had already snapped? Considering the way the past couple of years—no, their entire lives—he wasn’t so sure he’d ever been sane.
“Okay. Look, I know he’s kind of a nag, but he is a tall piece of Winchester meat. Goats are not gonna cut it.”
Sam felt a wave of irritation and injured pride at that before he beat it back. But seriously? Goats?!
“You know, it used to be that the bride’s family provided the dowry,” Lucifer drawled.
Dean sat back, completely unconcerned. “Hey, you’re the one that started the negotiations and put the ball in our court.”
That was a diplomatic way to put it, Sam thought. (And who’d have ever thought that word could ever be applied to his brother?) It was a nice way of putting something that had been disturbing and soul-crushingly traumatizing.
“Yes, but I’m the one who would be providing for Sam in perpetuity.”
Sam whimpered. Cas squeezed his shoulder a bit too tightly. He was supposed to help Sam, be the voice of reason, but he’d stayed quiet for most of the proceedings (the bastard) and simply watched Lucifer with intensity.
“Hey, I’m not saying the steaks weren’t good, but a dinner is not enough to buy Sam’s ass. That Winchester isn’t a cheap date.” Dean made a face as if he’d just realized what that implied about him.
“What about the various parts for your car? The classic rock memorabilia? The special editions of your porn magazines? The expensive alcohol? That was not cheap.” Lucifer argued.
Sam glared at his brother.
“Dean?! You said that was from Cas!” Sam couldn’t believe his brother. Dean had seriously hinted that Cas was behind all the expensive stuff that kept appearing at their hotels, which had led Sam to think that Cas was courting Dean and he’d held off on teasing the shit out of his asshole of a brother because he’d thought it was sweet and sort of epic. Oh, Dean was so fucking dead. At least Cas was glaring at Dean, too thank fuck.
Sam then turned his ire on Lucifer. “You were trying to buy my brother off?!”
Lucifer shrugged. “It’s working so far.”
Sam made a dangerous noise, low and thrumming.
“Dean?” Dean looked kind of apprehensive—finally. “We’ll talk about you pimping me out to Satan later. Get the fuck out of the negotiating chair. Now.”
At the tone Dean scrambled and Castiel visibly withdrew.
Sam sat down and smiled at the Devil. It was a sharky smile. The kind of smile that lawyers got when they had a big settlement in their sights coupled with the sheer joy at the opportunity to decimate their rivals.
“Goats?” Sam chuckled. “I think we can do better. Have you got anyone slated to rule the Americas?”
For the first time since he’d appeared, Lucifer began to look worried.
----
“Make sure to use your angelic grace to make the document binding,” Sam reminded Lucifer. “And don’t forget to add in all of your aliases.”
Lucifer look at the foot tall stack of papers in front of him, picked up the top page and tried to read the jargon. “What language is this?”
Dean moved closer and looked impressed when he saw the words that were written. “Legalese. Or is it Lawyerese?”
Sam was sitting with an aura of smug superiority. If Lucifer hadn’t been standing in the room Dean might’ve assumed he was wearing Sam.
----
Sam signed on the dotted line. “See you next month.”
----
“Did you just marry Lucifer?” Dean asked stupidly.
Sam shrugged. “You just married Cas.”
Dean spluttered. Cas stumbled. They both looked at him with wide eyes.
Sam smirked. “It was a condition of the agreement. Also: I got Earth as an engagement gift, I own Lucifer, and we’re invading Heaven next month after the wedding ceremony.”
“Dude…” Dean breathed with disbelief.
Cas was simply blinking rapidly and staring at them as if he wasn’t sure where he was.
“It’s a double wedding. You’ll be wearing robes, Dean.” Sam started humming as he practically skipped in the direction of their motel.
It was a mark of how very stupefied Dean was that the comment did not get a rise out of him.
Dean and Castiel exchanged long stares.
“I wasn’t expecting that,” Dean admitted.
“You did tell your brother that we were simply bluffing for time?” Castiel said, though his tone clearly conveyed that he thought the answer was to be a negative.
“Err…HOLY SHIT! MY BROTHER IN LAW IS GOING TO BE THE DEVIL!”
Castiel glared meaningfully.
Dean got louder. “HOLY SHIT! WE’RE MARRIED!”