Time Lords, Knights, Wizards and Others
Jun. 30th, 2007 10:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
iliaTitle: Time Lords, Knights, Wizards and Others
Author: Lady Yueh
Characters: Ten, Jack, Martha, Master, Harry Potter, Xander Harris et al.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: If you recognize the universe, it's not mine.
Warnings: Spoilers for The Sound of Drums
A/N:This has been in my documents for almost a week. It's pure and utter CRACK. Why? Because unlike all those other deus ex machina endings mine has to be the only one with at least five crossovers going on. Come on, read it. You know you're curious. Can you name all the crossovers? Also, be aware that I was a bit peeved at the Doctor. does it show?
The Master, insane grin pasted across his face, hands held high in triumph, “Here. Come. THE DRUMS!”
Music blasted from the surrounding speakers, a sick contrast to the situation.
He bounded to a window.
Clear blue sky.
“What?!”
He spun around to the sound of glass shattering and the sight of the Jones family disappearing in a wash of blue-white light.
“Mum?! Dad?! Where’d they go?” Martha’s cries were largely ignored though Jack did attempt to look reassuring.
“My, what a dramatic entrance,” The Master grinned maniacally. "I’d be more impressed if I didn’t have an inkling that you’re going to be rather bothersome bugs. Fun to squish though.”
The leather clad pair stood.
Both shaggy haired, one with stunning green eyes the other hard brown and sporting an eye-patch. The former lithe, slim and dangerous like a sinuous cat. The latter muscled and strong, determination shining through.
“Are you, ‘the pretentious git who aspires to be a threat to humanity’?” The cat-like man questioned loftily.
“He must be. I could swear he was monologuing a minute ago,” the pirate commented with an American accent.
“Really? How…1990’s of him. Shameful. Don’t you think, Xan?”
“Cliché of the worst order, Harry.”
“And the music? You have got to be kidding!”
Harry smirked and snapped his fingers.
Your cover’s blown, nowhere to go…it’s time to run…only the strongest will survive.
“Much better music choice. Just the thing for a little ass-kicking,” Xan laughed.
“And just who are you? No wait, I don’t seem to care. Kill them!” the Master ordered the handful of Toclafane at his disposal.
“How unoriginal,” Harry sniffed.
“Do you mind?” Xan questioned as the Toclafane approached.
“No, by all means go ahead. You take the guards, I’ll take the basketballs with delusions of grandeur.”
They exchanged identical grins of glee before bursting into action. Harry withdrew a slender device and soon bursts of power filled the air.
His partner grinned in a disquieting feral manner as dark-suited henchmen approached him and he brought them down with his bare hands.
Last men standing.
The Master grinned wildly, “A challenge! Something the Doctor couldn’t provide.”
He was faced by the two dangerous men, a pair of threats to his plans.
He brought out his laser screwdriver and released two quick, deadly shots.
“Protego!” Harry called and the blast was repelled.
Xan just let the shot hit him, a green outline coating his body, “Gotta love those ‘Lantean shields!”
“Accio!” Harry called and the weapon was in his hand.
“Is that…Harry Potter?!” Martha Jones’ voice cut through the air.
“How do they know you? She never said they’d know you!” Xan questioned his partner.
“Hey, I’m just that good. Notice that no one recognized you,” Harry gloated.
“Whatever. We’re just here to deliver a message to “The Master” heh. By now, our associates, Washu and Sam Carter have disabled the Paradox Machine and restored the TARDIS. The Jones’ have been returned to their homes and you have been disabled.”
“And just who are you,” the Master questioned as if his plans weren’t falling around him.
“Well, like she said, he’s Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, The-Man-Who-Killed-Voldemort, The-Poor-Bastard-With-Retarded-Titles,” Xan smirked.
“He’s Xander Harris, The White Knight, The One Who Sees, The Pain in My Ass,” Harry shot back.
“Cute. Using pop culture against me?” The Master sneered.
“Is this another universe where we’re on the telly,” Harry wondered aloud.
“Anyway,” Xander calmly withdrew a handgun and shot the Master in one of his hearts, “coated with aspirin, if you were wondering. Well, my boss sends her malicious and vengeful thoughts.”
“Harry!” Lucy squeaked and moved to rush to her fallen companion.
“Stupefy.” Harry called out lazily towards her and she fell over like so much dead weight. Metaphorically, of course. He then aimed a low murmur to the dying body of his enemy before questioning Xander, “I’ve put him in temporary stasis but isn’t he just going to regenerate?”
“I have a full clip.”
“Ah.”
“You can’t just-do that!” a thin voice cut through their conversation.
They turned to see the frail Doctor attempt to stand.
“He was about to rip open reality to an invading race numbering millions to kill off humanity. I think that warrants the death penalty. Even on your planet. You might be willing to see the “good” in him because you have guilt issues up the ass but that’s not my problem,” Xander growled.
“Captain Jack Harkness. Did you just say you were Harry Potter? As in magical wands and all that?” he smoothly introduced himself, innuendo-laden comments as lethal as always despite the shakes his recent death had caused.
And was shot down with a glance.
Xander laughed. “Well. We’re outtie.”
“Wait! Shouldn’t we do something about the Doctor?” Harry stopped him.
“Do we have to? He’s not exactly my favorite guy,” Xander whined.
“Xander…”
“Oh fine.” He turned, grabbed the frail Doctor by the lapels of his jacket and mashed their lips together in a violent parody of a kiss.
Eyes widened, some in surprise others in interest and gasps sounded as a golden glow surrounded the lip-locked couple and the age seem to fall from the Doctor. Moments later he was, once again, brown haired and smooth faced.
“Rose?” he gasped.
Harry burst out into hysterical laughter as Xander scowled and wiped his mouth.
“Hey! Do I look like I have breasts and the sweetest ass this side of existence?” Xander frowned and turned to Harry. “Don’t answer that! That one time was a complete fluke! A fluke I say!”
“They’re nuttier than the Doctor,” Martha muttered in disbelief.
The Doctor frowned. “Who are you? And how do you know Rose?” He demanded in a low voice which had sent kings and generals to their knees.
Xander only smirked. “Protectors of the Multi-Verses. Servants of Her Will. Agents of Balance. Janitors of Existence. The Guys Who Kick Some Serious Ass. And we don‘t know her as much as know of her, fantastic woman.”
“Americans,” Harry muttered in a fond disparaging manner.
A static high voice cut through, “Are the pair of you finished yet? We’re kind of bored here. Only took us 2.3 minutes to finish the job, we tried to draw it out but there’s only so much one can dawdle. And while your conversation had been absolutely fascinating we have to meet up with Ookami and Conall group to avert an apocalypse in the Simthiblue Universe.”
“Man, I love this job!” Xander fairly bounced with enthused delight which was rather disturbing to see. “That’s our cue, folks! Duty calls and all that. Harry?”
“You just want to shag Fuka,” Harry teased.
“Damned straight!” He affirmed before turning to the bemused group. “Doctor, the Master is your mess. This is your only gimme. Fuck it up at your own peril, we won‘t be back again.”
Xander gave them a two-fingered salute and a cheeky smile before disappearing.
“Wait, you’re really…? And you….what? Get a phone call, pop in and out of the universe and muck about?” Martha questioned awkwardly.
Harry shook his head, exasperated. “Yes, I’m Harry Potter and I went to Hogwarts. He is Xander Harris from Sunnydale. We don’t muck, you lot muck and we fix it. And not just the universe, all, or at least most of the universes. Fun, that. Especially for bored superheroes. Should see what Superman gets up to when he gets bored, terrifying. And we don’t take phone calls. Tried that, kept getting to oddest calls about kittens up trees. We threat assess. If we hadn’t come-well, wouldn’t have been pretty. That’s my bit as the polite one, you’ll get the bill for services rendered from Lupus Group, in the mail. Don‘t make us sic Inuyasha on you, he has no impulse control.”
And then he too was gone.
“Well, there went my chance at a rather interesting encounter,” Jack tried to joke.
The Doctor’s face was a study in stoicism as he strode towards the inert body of the Master.
He hoisted him up with strength that belied the size of his body and left the room without a word.
The enormity of what had just occurred hit Martha and she sagged. “Close call.”
“Should be used to it by now, around him,” Jack commented sympathetically.
“Hit close to home,” Martha admitted.
Jack nodded in agreement. “For everyone.”
He cleared his throat and took on a lighter expression, “Well, any weird close-to-the-end-of-the-world-as-you-know-it experience that we can walk away from is good. And you should probably check in with your parents. They’re probably worried sick.”
Martha made a face.
Jack laughed.
“Gods, I need a hyper-vodka.”
“Dunno what that is but I want one too.”
Author: Lady Yueh
Characters: Ten, Jack, Martha, Master, Harry Potter, Xander Harris et al.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: If you recognize the universe, it's not mine.
Warnings: Spoilers for The Sound of Drums
A/N:This has been in my documents for almost a week. It's pure and utter CRACK. Why? Because unlike all those other deus ex machina endings mine has to be the only one with at least five crossovers going on. Come on, read it. You know you're curious. Can you name all the crossovers? Also, be aware that I was a bit peeved at the Doctor. does it show?
The Master, insane grin pasted across his face, hands held high in triumph, “Here. Come. THE DRUMS!”
Music blasted from the surrounding speakers, a sick contrast to the situation.
He bounded to a window.
Clear blue sky.
“What?!”
He spun around to the sound of glass shattering and the sight of the Jones family disappearing in a wash of blue-white light.
“Mum?! Dad?! Where’d they go?” Martha’s cries were largely ignored though Jack did attempt to look reassuring.
“My, what a dramatic entrance,” The Master grinned maniacally. "I’d be more impressed if I didn’t have an inkling that you’re going to be rather bothersome bugs. Fun to squish though.”
The leather clad pair stood.
Both shaggy haired, one with stunning green eyes the other hard brown and sporting an eye-patch. The former lithe, slim and dangerous like a sinuous cat. The latter muscled and strong, determination shining through.
“Are you, ‘the pretentious git who aspires to be a threat to humanity’?” The cat-like man questioned loftily.
“He must be. I could swear he was monologuing a minute ago,” the pirate commented with an American accent.
“Really? How…1990’s of him. Shameful. Don’t you think, Xan?”
“Cliché of the worst order, Harry.”
“And the music? You have got to be kidding!”
Harry smirked and snapped his fingers.
Your cover’s blown, nowhere to go…it’s time to run…only the strongest will survive.
“Much better music choice. Just the thing for a little ass-kicking,” Xan laughed.
“And just who are you? No wait, I don’t seem to care. Kill them!” the Master ordered the handful of Toclafane at his disposal.
“How unoriginal,” Harry sniffed.
“Do you mind?” Xan questioned as the Toclafane approached.
“No, by all means go ahead. You take the guards, I’ll take the basketballs with delusions of grandeur.”
They exchanged identical grins of glee before bursting into action. Harry withdrew a slender device and soon bursts of power filled the air.
His partner grinned in a disquieting feral manner as dark-suited henchmen approached him and he brought them down with his bare hands.
Last men standing.
The Master grinned wildly, “A challenge! Something the Doctor couldn’t provide.”
He was faced by the two dangerous men, a pair of threats to his plans.
He brought out his laser screwdriver and released two quick, deadly shots.
“Protego!” Harry called and the blast was repelled.
Xan just let the shot hit him, a green outline coating his body, “Gotta love those ‘Lantean shields!”
“Accio!” Harry called and the weapon was in his hand.
“Is that…Harry Potter?!” Martha Jones’ voice cut through the air.
“How do they know you? She never said they’d know you!” Xan questioned his partner.
“Hey, I’m just that good. Notice that no one recognized you,” Harry gloated.
“Whatever. We’re just here to deliver a message to “The Master” heh. By now, our associates, Washu and Sam Carter have disabled the Paradox Machine and restored the TARDIS. The Jones’ have been returned to their homes and you have been disabled.”
“And just who are you,” the Master questioned as if his plans weren’t falling around him.
“Well, like she said, he’s Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, The-Man-Who-Killed-Voldemort, The-Poor-Bastard-With-Retarded-Titles,” Xan smirked.
“He’s Xander Harris, The White Knight, The One Who Sees, The Pain in My Ass,” Harry shot back.
“Cute. Using pop culture against me?” The Master sneered.
“Is this another universe where we’re on the telly,” Harry wondered aloud.
“Anyway,” Xander calmly withdrew a handgun and shot the Master in one of his hearts, “coated with aspirin, if you were wondering. Well, my boss sends her malicious and vengeful thoughts.”
“Harry!” Lucy squeaked and moved to rush to her fallen companion.
“Stupefy.” Harry called out lazily towards her and she fell over like so much dead weight. Metaphorically, of course. He then aimed a low murmur to the dying body of his enemy before questioning Xander, “I’ve put him in temporary stasis but isn’t he just going to regenerate?”
“I have a full clip.”
“Ah.”
“You can’t just-do that!” a thin voice cut through their conversation.
They turned to see the frail Doctor attempt to stand.
“He was about to rip open reality to an invading race numbering millions to kill off humanity. I think that warrants the death penalty. Even on your planet. You might be willing to see the “good” in him because you have guilt issues up the ass but that’s not my problem,” Xander growled.
“Captain Jack Harkness. Did you just say you were Harry Potter? As in magical wands and all that?” he smoothly introduced himself, innuendo-laden comments as lethal as always despite the shakes his recent death had caused.
And was shot down with a glance.
Xander laughed. “Well. We’re outtie.”
“Wait! Shouldn’t we do something about the Doctor?” Harry stopped him.
“Do we have to? He’s not exactly my favorite guy,” Xander whined.
“Xander…”
“Oh fine.” He turned, grabbed the frail Doctor by the lapels of his jacket and mashed their lips together in a violent parody of a kiss.
Eyes widened, some in surprise others in interest and gasps sounded as a golden glow surrounded the lip-locked couple and the age seem to fall from the Doctor. Moments later he was, once again, brown haired and smooth faced.
“Rose?” he gasped.
Harry burst out into hysterical laughter as Xander scowled and wiped his mouth.
“Hey! Do I look like I have breasts and the sweetest ass this side of existence?” Xander frowned and turned to Harry. “Don’t answer that! That one time was a complete fluke! A fluke I say!”
“They’re nuttier than the Doctor,” Martha muttered in disbelief.
The Doctor frowned. “Who are you? And how do you know Rose?” He demanded in a low voice which had sent kings and generals to their knees.
Xander only smirked. “Protectors of the Multi-Verses. Servants of Her Will. Agents of Balance. Janitors of Existence. The Guys Who Kick Some Serious Ass. And we don‘t know her as much as know of her, fantastic woman.”
“Americans,” Harry muttered in a fond disparaging manner.
A static high voice cut through, “Are the pair of you finished yet? We’re kind of bored here. Only took us 2.3 minutes to finish the job, we tried to draw it out but there’s only so much one can dawdle. And while your conversation had been absolutely fascinating we have to meet up with Ookami and Conall group to avert an apocalypse in the Simthiblue Universe.”
“Man, I love this job!” Xander fairly bounced with enthused delight which was rather disturbing to see. “That’s our cue, folks! Duty calls and all that. Harry?”
“You just want to shag Fuka,” Harry teased.
“Damned straight!” He affirmed before turning to the bemused group. “Doctor, the Master is your mess. This is your only gimme. Fuck it up at your own peril, we won‘t be back again.”
Xander gave them a two-fingered salute and a cheeky smile before disappearing.
“Wait, you’re really…? And you….what? Get a phone call, pop in and out of the universe and muck about?” Martha questioned awkwardly.
Harry shook his head, exasperated. “Yes, I’m Harry Potter and I went to Hogwarts. He is Xander Harris from Sunnydale. We don’t muck, you lot muck and we fix it. And not just the universe, all, or at least most of the universes. Fun, that. Especially for bored superheroes. Should see what Superman gets up to when he gets bored, terrifying. And we don’t take phone calls. Tried that, kept getting to oddest calls about kittens up trees. We threat assess. If we hadn’t come-well, wouldn’t have been pretty. That’s my bit as the polite one, you’ll get the bill for services rendered from Lupus Group, in the mail. Don‘t make us sic Inuyasha on you, he has no impulse control.”
And then he too was gone.
“Well, there went my chance at a rather interesting encounter,” Jack tried to joke.
The Doctor’s face was a study in stoicism as he strode towards the inert body of the Master.
He hoisted him up with strength that belied the size of his body and left the room without a word.
The enormity of what had just occurred hit Martha and she sagged. “Close call.”
“Should be used to it by now, around him,” Jack commented sympathetically.
“Hit close to home,” Martha admitted.
Jack nodded in agreement. “For everyone.”
He cleared his throat and took on a lighter expression, “Well, any weird close-to-the-end-of-the-world-as-you-know-it experience that we can walk away from is good. And you should probably check in with your parents. They’re probably worried sick.”
Martha made a face.
Jack laughed.
“Gods, I need a hyper-vodka.”
“Dunno what that is but I want one too.”
